Not sure how I should start this~
Dear Emily and Erin,
First of all, I don’t regret marrying your father because he gave me you. You were able to be raised in a comfortable home though not always conventional. I stayed for you both. I am so proud of you and what you have become.
I don’t know how much you know of your parent’s wedding. We got married at Grandma Pat’s house. We had a friend of mine who was a judge since your father was an atheist. We got married on the rug a neighbor gave us that this couple had gotten married on and their marriage lasted over 40 yrs. Neither Aunt Laura or Florence attended the wedding. It was very small but then we had a reception a few days later. The night after the wedding we went out to eat at yet another friend’s new restaurant, He was Italian and a great cook. Your dad and I stayed at Larry Bird’s Motel ~ the Boston Connection. It was much fancier than it sounds.
The first few years~
I wish I could tell you it got easier, and some parts did. I have always been surrounded by a disorder. I don’t know if it goes back to my learning disability or the way my brain functions. I am not lazy or stupid. I do have a zest for life, which was always under the surface. I think this scared your dad. I did and would speak to strangers, wear loud bright and colorful clothes, loved to dance, laugh at myself, try new things and wanted to talk, laugh, be goofy and surrounded my stuff. I don’t think I fit his idea of a wife and mother. My mother told me I needed to have dinner on the table waiting for your dad when he got home. How I tried, to organize myself and the house. And your dad didn’t make it easy for me. But I loved being a mom. I read every book I could on parenting, feeding your child, discipline, activities to do with your babies. But then I went back to school, and things got really tough.
I don’t want to call them mistakes but I did make choices that weren’t always to my highest calling. I lied to your dad over stupid things~ like getting the internet for free, how much things cost, friends, ideas, issues, and problems. I learned to just get along and not rock the boat. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. Because of that, I know there were times I wasn’t a very good mother. Times when I wasn’t present or angry at your dad and would take it out on you guys. I am so sorry. I realize now I was doing the best that I could to get by. Your father accused me of sleeping around. I didn’t. I did have an active fantasy life. I read books on improving myself, kept dream journals, gratitude journals, and regular journals. I wanted to feel love and wanted a partner that liked me and liked to do things with me. Your father found my dream journal and thought it was my real journal. Your dad thought I was having an affair with Denzel Washington, Ellen Degeneres, and others. He even said to me I guess that why the house is never clean. I wasn’t. But I did pretend and dream about meeting various actors or musicians and have them falling in love with me. I tried to make your dad happy. But then finally gave up, I didn’t like who I was becoming.
Laura was my protector, my confidant, my best friend, my hero, and my sister. I was so proud to have her as my sister. This was one reason I was so glad that I had two girls. Laura had been Great Grams favorite. I was definitely not her favorite and she seems to go out of her way to be mean to me. I got to where I didn’t even notice. But Laura did and defended me and spoke up for me. Something my own mother wasn’t able to do. There was a mother/ daughter luncheon at church, I was pregnant with you Emily. Amanda was a baby, Aunt Laura, my mom and great gram were all going to attend. Great gram was saying pretty awful things under her breath about me how I was dressed or something I said or didn’t say. I guess Laura finally had enough and spoke to her. Laura spoke to my mom too. It was the first time, I could remember someone speaking up for me in the family. I guess that what I wanted to happen when you both were being mean to me after the divorce. Laura spoke up to your grandma Janet and Dad. She always said I was the kindest person she knew. When I lost her and your grandmother I also feel like I lost a bit of my mind. But I did get the courage to leave your father.
Now I wish I hadn’t jumped into a relationship, but sometimes when we are grieving or going through something really hard and horrible we don’t make good decisions. That was a difficult lesson I had to learn. Losing you all was the worst.